Dear Aliza,

What should I do with my life if I fail my qualifying Ph.D. exams next month?

Signed,
Terrified

Dear Terrified,

Maybe you should be less concerned about the qualifying exam and more concerned about what qualifies as a Ph.D. Last time I checked, Ph.D actually stands for Playa Hater Degree and frankly, I tend to agree with this. This person http://qclab.korea.ac.kr/~choims/Fun/PhD.html seems to also think that Ph.D stands for Pour Him a Drink and Probably Heavy in Debt, which I think are 100% valid and I see nothing wrong with these interpretations. And honestly, if Bon Jovi can get an honorary doctorate degree, I think it’s time for us all to reevaluate our priorities.

However, before you throw yourself off the nearest cliff, you may want to consider your other options. You’re in luck because America’s Next Top Model Cycle 13 is recruiting and if that doesn’t work out, I am currently accepting applications for a Personal Assistant and full-time Compliment-Giver. Inquire within.

I hope this helps.

Aliza

Dear Aliza:

My roommate is incredibly annoying and it's just not working out. The problem is, we still have many months left on our lease and my apartment is amazing, so I don't want to be the one to leave. How do I get rid of her?

Sincerely,

The Good Roommate

Dear The Good Roommate,

Fortunately, I happen to be a bonafide expert on the topic of annoying and ugly roommates. Everybody knows that the first thing I do every morning is sign onto gchat and immediately complain about something annoying my roommate did. It is safe to say that the stress levels induced by some of my roommates have literally taken years off my life, for which they will never be forgiven. Ultimately, living alone is key, so I fully support your decision to drive out your current roommate by any means necessary. For your convenience, I’ve devised a list of calculated and foolproof strategies former and current roommates of mine have employed on me that will have your miserable roommate heading for the hills and/or looking on craigslist.

How to Lose a Roommate in 10 days:

1. Turn on the vacuum cleaner at 7am
2. Buy a pair of wooden clogs and shuffle around the apartment
3. Riverdance
4. Turn on the blender
5. Slam doors at all times
6. Slam down the toilet seat cover whenever possible
7. Eat all their food and drink all their alcohol
8. Turn up the bass on your itunes speakers
9. Remember to do all home repairs, hammering, and drilling at 8am
10. Do jumping jacks
11. Move furniture at 4am
12. Replace your current cell phone with a Nextel cell phone
13. Drop pots, pans, and utensils whenever possible
14. Blow-dry your hair in front of your roommate’s bedroom door
15. March around the apartment crashing a pair of cymbals

I hope this helps.

Aliza