Dear Aliza,

I’m going on a first date with this guy and he suggested we go to Starbucks near his apartment. I just want to confirm that this date idea is reasonable grounds for breaking it off with the guy. Am I being too picky? Please advise.

Sincerely,

Tall Order

Dear Tall Order,

Asking somebody to go to Starbucks on a first date is basically asking someone to meet them at McDonalds and it is highly unacceptable. Honestly, if the guy had problems googling an acceptable coffee shop in his neighborhood, it could be a harbinger for what is to come for this relationship. Does this guy really think you would use your metrocard and make a trip out of your way to go to a Starbucks in a different location, when you could have just as easily gone to the one in your neighborhood? Doesn’t he know that people only suggest taking other people to Starbucks when they are ashamed to be seen in public with that person? What are you going to do, order Frappuccinos? Will he be paying for the date using his Starbucks Gold membership card? In all honesty, this scenario is a goddamned nightmare. As I see it, you have two options:

1. Text him back saying, “I refuse to go to Starbucks on a date. Don’t contact me until conditions improve.”
2. Show up at his local Starbucks and mention how “exotic” the location is and how you’ve never been to a Starbucks before. Wait at the table and ask the Barista to see a menu.

With any luck, next time he’ll suggest The Olive Garden.

I rest my case.

-Aliza

Dear Aliza,

I recently went on a date with a guy. He was really sweet and smart, but I noticed that he was wearing a class ring from his undergraduate institution. He says he can’t take it off because his fingers have since become bloated. Is this a dealbreaker?

Sincerely,

LordoftheRing

Dear LordoftheRing,

The only people I know for whom it would be mildly acceptable to be seen wearing a school ring or a fashion ring of any variety are Mobsters, people from Staten Island, and Pharaoh. But even then, I’d still be concerned. Tell him that if he would like to continue dating you, you will be forced to cut off his finger. In general, I have a strict policy against man-jewelry. For future reference, I would like to take this opportunity to list items in order from Extremely Unacceptable to Not at All Acceptable:

1. hemp/shell necklaces
2. Livestrong bracelets
3. Ring (school, fashion, thumb, pinky)
4. Anklets (aka ankle bracelets—trust me, this is rare, but I’ve seen men wear these)
5. “Chai”/Star of David necklaces
6. Gold chains
7. Yin-Yang necklaces (http://img.alibaba.com/photo/11371516/Yin_Yang_Necklace.jpg)
8. Dog tag necklaces (http://g-ec2.images-amazon.com/images/I/311uO5c91HL._jewelry-buying-guides_.jpg)
9. Motion sickness bracelets (http://s2.thisnext.com/media/130x130/F1EE5ECC.jpg)
10. Stress/Accupressure Bracelets (http://www.wise4living.com/jbracelet/images/q-ray-bracelet.jpg)
11. Tribal necklaces (http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/313bokTYXkL.jpg)
12. Spiked chokers (http://www.kaboodle.com/hi/img/2/0/0/ae/5/AAAAAvSvpioAAAAAAK5USg.jpg)

Tell this guy to stop being such a cheeserag.

-Aliza

Dear Aliza,

What should I do with my life if I fail my qualifying Ph.D. exams next month?

Signed,
Terrified

Dear Terrified,

Maybe you should be less concerned about the qualifying exam and more concerned about what qualifies as a Ph.D. Last time I checked, Ph.D actually stands for Playa Hater Degree and frankly, I tend to agree with this. This person http://qclab.korea.ac.kr/~choims/Fun/PhD.html seems to also think that Ph.D stands for Pour Him a Drink and Probably Heavy in Debt, which I think are 100% valid and I see nothing wrong with these interpretations. And honestly, if Bon Jovi can get an honorary doctorate degree, I think it’s time for us all to reevaluate our priorities.

However, before you throw yourself off the nearest cliff, you may want to consider your other options. You’re in luck because America’s Next Top Model Cycle 13 is recruiting and if that doesn’t work out, I am currently accepting applications for a Personal Assistant and full-time Compliment-Giver. Inquire within.

I hope this helps.

Aliza

Dear Aliza:

My roommate is incredibly annoying and it's just not working out. The problem is, we still have many months left on our lease and my apartment is amazing, so I don't want to be the one to leave. How do I get rid of her?

Sincerely,

The Good Roommate

Dear The Good Roommate,

Fortunately, I happen to be a bonafide expert on the topic of annoying and ugly roommates. Everybody knows that the first thing I do every morning is sign onto gchat and immediately complain about something annoying my roommate did. It is safe to say that the stress levels induced by some of my roommates have literally taken years off my life, for which they will never be forgiven. Ultimately, living alone is key, so I fully support your decision to drive out your current roommate by any means necessary. For your convenience, I’ve devised a list of calculated and foolproof strategies former and current roommates of mine have employed on me that will have your miserable roommate heading for the hills and/or looking on craigslist.

How to Lose a Roommate in 10 days:

1. Turn on the vacuum cleaner at 7am
2. Buy a pair of wooden clogs and shuffle around the apartment
3. Riverdance
4. Turn on the blender
5. Slam doors at all times
6. Slam down the toilet seat cover whenever possible
7. Eat all their food and drink all their alcohol
8. Turn up the bass on your itunes speakers
9. Remember to do all home repairs, hammering, and drilling at 8am
10. Do jumping jacks
11. Move furniture at 4am
12. Replace your current cell phone with a Nextel cell phone
13. Drop pots, pans, and utensils whenever possible
14. Blow-dry your hair in front of your roommate’s bedroom door
15. March around the apartment crashing a pair of cymbals

I hope this helps.

Aliza