Dear Aliza,

I’m going on a first date with this guy and he suggested we go to Starbucks near his apartment. I just want to confirm that this date idea is reasonable grounds for breaking it off with the guy. Am I being too picky? Please advise.

Sincerely,

Tall Order

Dear Tall Order,

Asking somebody to go to Starbucks on a first date is basically asking someone to meet them at McDonalds and it is highly unacceptable. Honestly, if the guy had problems googling an acceptable coffee shop in his neighborhood, it could be a harbinger for what is to come for this relationship. Does this guy really think you would use your metrocard and make a trip out of your way to go to a Starbucks in a different location, when you could have just as easily gone to the one in your neighborhood? Doesn’t he know that people only suggest taking other people to Starbucks when they are ashamed to be seen in public with that person? What are you going to do, order Frappuccinos? Will he be paying for the date using his Starbucks Gold membership card? In all honesty, this scenario is a goddamned nightmare. As I see it, you have two options:

1. Text him back saying, “I refuse to go to Starbucks on a date. Don’t contact me until conditions improve.”
2. Show up at his local Starbucks and mention how “exotic” the location is and how you’ve never been to a Starbucks before. Wait at the table and ask the Barista to see a menu.

With any luck, next time he’ll suggest The Olive Garden.

I rest my case.

-Aliza

Dear Aliza,

I recently went on a date with a guy. He was really sweet and smart, but I noticed that he was wearing a class ring from his undergraduate institution. He says he can’t take it off because his fingers have since become bloated. Is this a dealbreaker?

Sincerely,

LordoftheRing

Dear LordoftheRing,

The only people I know for whom it would be mildly acceptable to be seen wearing a school ring or a fashion ring of any variety are Mobsters, people from Staten Island, and Pharaoh. But even then, I’d still be concerned. Tell him that if he would like to continue dating you, you will be forced to cut off his finger. In general, I have a strict policy against man-jewelry. For future reference, I would like to take this opportunity to list items in order from Extremely Unacceptable to Not at All Acceptable:

1. hemp/shell necklaces
2. Livestrong bracelets
3. Ring (school, fashion, thumb, pinky)
4. Anklets (aka ankle bracelets—trust me, this is rare, but I’ve seen men wear these)
5. “Chai”/Star of David necklaces
6. Gold chains
7. Yin-Yang necklaces (http://img.alibaba.com/photo/11371516/Yin_Yang_Necklace.jpg)
8. Dog tag necklaces (http://g-ec2.images-amazon.com/images/I/311uO5c91HL._jewelry-buying-guides_.jpg)
9. Motion sickness bracelets (http://s2.thisnext.com/media/130x130/F1EE5ECC.jpg)
10. Stress/Accupressure Bracelets (http://www.wise4living.com/jbracelet/images/q-ray-bracelet.jpg)
11. Tribal necklaces (http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/313bokTYXkL.jpg)
12. Spiked chokers (http://www.kaboodle.com/hi/img/2/0/0/ae/5/AAAAAvSvpioAAAAAAK5USg.jpg)

Tell this guy to stop being such a cheeserag.

-Aliza

Dear Aliza,

What should I do with my life if I fail my qualifying Ph.D. exams next month?

Signed,
Terrified

Dear Terrified,

Maybe you should be less concerned about the qualifying exam and more concerned about what qualifies as a Ph.D. Last time I checked, Ph.D actually stands for Playa Hater Degree and frankly, I tend to agree with this. This person http://qclab.korea.ac.kr/~choims/Fun/PhD.html seems to also think that Ph.D stands for Pour Him a Drink and Probably Heavy in Debt, which I think are 100% valid and I see nothing wrong with these interpretations. And honestly, if Bon Jovi can get an honorary doctorate degree, I think it’s time for us all to reevaluate our priorities.

However, before you throw yourself off the nearest cliff, you may want to consider your other options. You’re in luck because America’s Next Top Model Cycle 13 is recruiting and if that doesn’t work out, I am currently accepting applications for a Personal Assistant and full-time Compliment-Giver. Inquire within.

I hope this helps.

Aliza

Dear Aliza:

My roommate is incredibly annoying and it's just not working out. The problem is, we still have many months left on our lease and my apartment is amazing, so I don't want to be the one to leave. How do I get rid of her?

Sincerely,

The Good Roommate

Dear The Good Roommate,

Fortunately, I happen to be a bonafide expert on the topic of annoying and ugly roommates. Everybody knows that the first thing I do every morning is sign onto gchat and immediately complain about something annoying my roommate did. It is safe to say that the stress levels induced by some of my roommates have literally taken years off my life, for which they will never be forgiven. Ultimately, living alone is key, so I fully support your decision to drive out your current roommate by any means necessary. For your convenience, I’ve devised a list of calculated and foolproof strategies former and current roommates of mine have employed on me that will have your miserable roommate heading for the hills and/or looking on craigslist.

How to Lose a Roommate in 10 days:

1. Turn on the vacuum cleaner at 7am
2. Buy a pair of wooden clogs and shuffle around the apartment
3. Riverdance
4. Turn on the blender
5. Slam doors at all times
6. Slam down the toilet seat cover whenever possible
7. Eat all their food and drink all their alcohol
8. Turn up the bass on your itunes speakers
9. Remember to do all home repairs, hammering, and drilling at 8am
10. Do jumping jacks
11. Move furniture at 4am
12. Replace your current cell phone with a Nextel cell phone
13. Drop pots, pans, and utensils whenever possible
14. Blow-dry your hair in front of your roommate’s bedroom door
15. March around the apartment crashing a pair of cymbals

I hope this helps.

Aliza

Dear Aliza,

I heard about this new show called Momma's Boys on ABC while watching The Biggest Loser. Needless to say, I am a big loser for watching that show, possibly the biggest loser; however, I usually fast forward to the weighing scene and the before and after shots of the people that got booted off. Does this redeem me in anyway? That's not really my question. My question: do you think I should watch Momma's Boys? Is it a good show? I really don't want to waste one more hour of my time. There's things to do, other shows to watch.

Sincerely,

A Possible Momma's Boy

Dear A Possible Momma’s Boy,

While watching the weighing scenes on the The Biggest Loser is obviously key, nothing is more h.larious than watching the “last chance workout” scenes, during which the contestants go apeshit on the treadmill in the hopes of losing an extra 48 pounds before weigh-in (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UIab_uqePpg), while I sit from the comfort of my couch eating Halloween chocolate and drinking Mike’s Hard Lemonade and pretend like this is totally normal and acceptable.

But to get back to your real question about Momma’s Boys—any show whose catchphrases include, “what happens when love takes over” and “who is really the most important woman in every man’s life,” is obviously a show worth watching. In general, overprotective mothers are always hilarious and I look forward to finding out which contestants used to pose for Playboy and which contestants have breast implants and/or nose jobs. I tend to approve of most reality shows that involve an elimination ceremony at the end, so I have a feeling this one will not disappoint. But keep in mind that VH1 will also be premiering Rock of Love Bus, Tool Academy, and Trophy Wife in January and The Millionaire Matchmaker will be back on Bravo in February. Budget your time accordingly.

I hope this helps.

Aliza

Dear Aliza,
The super nice guy that I had been dating for 3 months broke up with me very suddenly. He said he just didn't think we had enough in common, even though things were going really well. I usually see breakups coming, but this one caught me by surprise. Any warning signs I should have looked for?

-oblivious

Dear Oblivious,

Because your inquiry was extremely complicated, I decided to consult the experts at such reliable websites such as www.knowtheredflags.com, www.improvingyourworld.com, and www.womansavers.com. I’ve taken the liberty of gleaning the most important warning signs and red flags from these sites and providing my interpretations for maximum understanding.

1. Actions and words that demonstrate a basic lack of respect which includes calling each other names, using sarcasm or demeaning each other in the name of humor—Under no circumstances is it ok to use sarcasm or humor in a relationship. If your partner uses any of these dating strategies, it’s a sign that the relationship is in trouble. For a quick fix, consider renting Schindler’s List or Life is Beautiful.

2. One partner constantly frames every compromise as a win-lose proposition.—e.g.World World II

3. Negatives Outweigh the Positives—if you find that your partner is insulting you, forgetting your birthday, refusing to meet your parents, telling you he never wants to marry you, buying presents for other women, and staying late at the office, these are examples of how negatives can potentially outweigh the positives.

4. Emotional Rollercoaster—If your relationship reminds you of the Tower of Terror or Space Mountain or a trip to Six Flags Great Adventure, it may be time to consider other options.

5. Changes in his appearance—if you find that your partner wears a fake nose/moustache when you go out together, this may be a red flag.

6. Dishonesty and frequent misunderstandings—while I can understand how somebody could be confused about this, it may not be 100% obvious for everyone. For example, perhaps you misunderstood that when I told you to “never contact me again” you thought I meant that you should send me drunk emails and texts.

7. Physical violence—if your partner is punching you out, this may be a tell-tale sign that your relationship is in trouble.

8. You hate each other.

I hope this helps.

Aliza

Dear Aliza,

I am a frustrated 24 year old male who has not had a serious relationship in quite some time. I have been [desperately...yes, i'll admit it] on the prowl for a NJG (Nice Jewish Girl) for the past 2.5 years here in NYC with very minimal success.

I have encountered myriad personalities, ranging from loquacious, to crazy, to psycho, to mentally slow, to perfect (yes, there was one, but she was not Jewish and I screwed it up). I have tried all of the popular online dating sites including J-date, E-Harmony, OKCupid and even Craigslist. I've also attended many different Jewish singles events mostly corresponding to seasonal holidays. Finally, I joined a synagogue on the Upper West Side that is known for having one of the largest, most active young people's groups in all of NYC.

Unlike most normal 24 year olds who are simply looking for countless booty calls, I would like to be in an actual relationship with another human being (preferably female, but at this point I should probably not rule anybody out). What am I doing wrong? Why has my luck been so unfortunate? Why are all my friends in serious relationships and getting engaged? What is the meaning of life? How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood...

Any advice would be greatly appreciated as I feel I have become jaded of all women now.

Sincerely,

Frustrated

Dear Frustrated,

Plastic surgery helps. And when that fails, proceed directly to plan B, outlined as follows:

1) "A watched pot never boils." I commend you for your efforts in finding the woman of your dreams. And while I agree that single people should "do what's necessary" to get a boyfriend/girlfriend at all times--which could involve anything from getting a personal trainer, getting Da Vinci veneers, buying a new wardrobe, getting liposuction, going on Birthright 5 times, caking on the makeup, creating ten jdate profiles, and attending all imaginable social occasions--my advice to you can be summed up under the old reliable adage, "a watched pot never boils." In other words, you may be trying too hard to meet Ms. Right. Instead of making everything revolve around finding your soulmate, perhaps you should focus your energies on other things. For example, on the rare occasion that I find myself to be single, I enjoy spending my time increasing awesome levels by 100%. This can be achieved by taking up unusual hobbies such as tap dancing or learning sign language or anything else you can brag about to your friends. I think the key is to calm down about jdate, stop going on cruises, and just start enjoying yourself. Focus on making yourself happy. Good things come to those who least expect it.

2) Another possibility is that you are going for the wrong girls. Sometimes we think we want a certain type of person, when that type is completely wrong for us. Accepting people's flaws and imperfections and appreciating people's quirks are what makes for compatible relationships. For example, you need to accept the fact that not everybody can have a winning personality and be as good looking as me. In turn, I've accepted the fact that men listen to Dave Matthews and like to play video games (all of which are not acceptable.) In other words, prepare to be disappointed by everybody. The key to relationships is fooling yourself into liking somebody else even when they are really ugly and annoying.

3) Fish oil pills. I've discovered that the key to happiness and good fortune can be found in fish oil pills. While I understand that the concept is 100% revolting, these pills are the el dorado of vitamins and have single-handedly changed my life. If you're really serious about finding your soulmate, I highly recommend that you proceed urgently to the nearest Vitamin Shoppe and stocking up on Nordic Naturals Omega-3 brand fish oil pills. Pick up some whey protein while you're there.

I hope this helps.

-Aliza